Americans' command over English falls dismally short

Most English teachers in American schools need to be kicked where it hurts them the most.

Before we go further, see how you do with these:

1. I know what the parts of speech are. We have eight of them, right?

2. I know what the difference between an antecedent and an appositive is.

3. I mostly can put my commas at the right places.

4. I know an adjective is not an adverb and what distinguishes one from the other.

5. I know what a clause is.

If you are good with at least three of the above-mentioned areas, your English teacher was a good person. Otherwise, it is time for you to go back to school and have a little one-on-one conference with your teacher.

I have been in this country for two years, and the time has been enough for me to realize just how bad most Americans' command over grammar is. We are not talking complex agreements here - please, let them be. We will tackle those three years from now.

Here's a recent sample I read:

"Me and my friend, we would lay down in the middle of the beach. It was a beautiful time. We'd talk about all things big and small. We'd talk about getting drunk. The first time we were both so nauseous. Those were such beautiful memories, I must say."

If you think the paragraph reads just fine, you have no right to claim English is your first language.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am not reveling in pedantry. I have done that so often in the past that it is not even flattering any more. I am seriously concerned - worried if the kids of today will so much as be able to construct decent sentences tomorrow.

I am concerned that columns and news stories of tomorrow will appear like a build-up from three-word sentences and three-sentence paragraphs. This makes me envision how a 2,000-word story might be considered a novel. I actually am shuddering. Those days are just around the corner. Anything that consists of more than 30 sentences could qualify as a short story.

I am worried because what happens in the United States travels all over. That translates to my fear that English grammar might be paving its way for a slow but sure death. The world has taken grammar for granted for too long.

Ask Kirksville independent scholar Larry Iles just how important grammar is. His writings, too, speak of independent grammar usage. That poor man's grammatically incorrect letters are so heavily edited that I doubt if the letters in the paper even convey what he originally had to say. Mr. Iles may claim that he writes using British grammar. To that, all I can say is, "You are not the only one who learn(t) it the British way, Iles," so don't even try to fool us. Just admit that you are a bad writer. The noblest of thoughts read like trash when you just do not know what makes a sentence.

Even Truman's liberal arts education suffers from an acute grammar crisis. It is time some professor decided to take the matter to concerned authorities. Why do the modes of requirement not contain anything that remotely deals with grammar? It might be advisable for ENG 190 professors to reassess their syllabus needs. Half the semester should deal with grammar and only grammar. Only then can students think about writing well. We need to give grammar its dues.

Did I already talk about spelling? I think that might have to wait. Until then, every one of you can contribute to making the world a grammar-friendly place by saying, "I am one of those people who HAVE learned good grammar." Did a lot of you think that sentence was grammatically wrong? I'm not suprised.

And do not cancel your appointment with your English teachers. They deserve to know just how much they suck.

Prajwal Sharma is a junior communication major from Gantok, Sikkim.