Eating well with a college budget

Food: it is the greatest gift God gave mankind. 

If you disagree, you are wrong. End of story.

But really, think about it. When you are happy, who is there for you? Food. When you are sad, who is there for you? Food. When you are bored? You guessed it — food. 

Don't get me wrong: excessive eating is dangerous and binge eating out of boredom is not healthy. 

Now that I've covered my tail, it is safe to say that binge eating out of boredom is my favorite thing to do. In fact, my bottomless pit of a stomach makes me feel like eating in excess is not only acceptable, but necessary.

Recently I've discovered a problem that  has interfered with my favorite pastime: college. Remember when you heard all those stories from TV, movies and family about broke college kids living off cheap food in their cheap apartment and you thought, "That's got to be an exaggeration. I'll never live like that"? Unfortunately, those stories are true.

My actual diet in college: peanuts, peanut butter crackers and water. 

Not cool.

As a food fanatic and broke college kid, I've learned to adjust to my circumstances. And as a public service, I recently have incorporated "how to survive and eat in excess" into my campus tours for prospective students. (I'm a student ambassador.) I've decided to share my secrets of success with you. I bring you "The Cheap College Student's Secret to Food."

1. The most obvious: The dining halls are all-you-can-eat. Take advantage of that while you can. The employees won't stop you. And if you don't have a meal plan and are an upperclassmen, the underclassmen are the perfect source for free swipes. If you are forward enough to ask, they might feel too awkward to say no. 

2. In the dining halls, they put tiny bowls next to the ice cream. The maximum amount of ice cream that can fit in there is one healthy scoop. The trick is to hit up the salad bar and grab the big bowls. The maximum amount of ice cream that can fit in those bad boys — one healthy mountain of ice cream.

3. When the weather is nice, make frequent loops around The Quad. More often than not, an organization is there trying to win your approval and support with free food. 

4. Leave your dignity at the door and hop in the local dumpster. The dumpsters behind grocery stores and restaurants are destined for success.

5. There is nothing better for smuggling goods out of the dining halls than your handy, dandy Sodexo mug. Your options are limitless! Pizza in a cup has never been more appetizing.

6. Want to eat like a king? Go Greek … for one week. Greek organizations will wine and dine you like royalty during Rush Week in attempt to win your approval. 

7. Become friends with secretaries. They always have hard candy on their desks and you can live off mints for weeks. Plus, you'll have the best breath at school.

8. Find God. By that I mean any religious organization in town will be happy to feed you. They easily are the most pleasant dinner company you can find. 

There you have it, folks. Ramen is not the only answer. 

Eat and be merry.