2008 Woodie Awards
That's What He Said
Hardy, Mark
Issue date: 2/28/08 Section: TruLife
The biggest lie promulgated throughout mainstream society is the belief that being smart is dumb.
Think about various children's materials you may have consumed at various stages in your boyhood or girldom. "Books? Those things are dumb," you've undoubtedly heard a cartoon character or actor say. Woe to ye unfortunate apes whose minds shut off after this ignorant phrase was uttered, causing you to miss the rest of the episode where the nerd grows up and, due to a superior intellect, lives until the end of days accumulating mad bling and fly honeys.
Yeah, that's right. Learning can bring you places.
Fact: Learning brought man to the moon.
Fact: Learning brought a monkey to the moon.
Fact: A monkey that took the time to learn has been to the moon, whereas you and I (most likely) have not.
Not many people think Einstein was anything but good. See? That sentence made you think because it was worded in a confusing manner. Don't get me wrong, of course you read it, but how long did it take you to understand it? Read it again. Feel the rust starting to come off?
Now more than ever before, the world demands that human beings think rather than blindly obey the beliefs of the masses. Why, you ask? Just beyond the horizon awaits the most terrible of foes with whom Homo sapiens have continued a constant struggle for all of eternity:
Stupidity.
Pick up a history book. Any period of history that seems to be going well eventually faces natural disasters that people deal with in a, well, stupid manner. For example, when the Black Death tightened its villainous clutch on the people of Europe, solutions such as attaching leeches to people, playing Ring around the Rosie and not sending all the sick off to a third-party nation became commonplace. One of the greatest emperors of China sought to attain immortality by regularly imbibing mercury. Columbus died believing he had arrived in India. Why would a queen ever sponsor some sailor who hadn't been to India in the first place? Never mind that Columbus didn't bring back pepper or silk or anything. The people were dark-skinned, so it had to be India.
Stupidity seems to be on the rise once again. Despite massive amounts of money being poured into public education, the American population continues to get dumber. People don't want to learn, yet they continue to pay taxes, a great deal of which go to education. You already paid for it, so why not use it? Your brain was free and is much, much cooler than school, so why not take that for a spin, even if it is just one weekend a month. As long as it's more than it was before, the world will be a better place.
Please, do us both a favor and constantly exert effort in an attempt to make yourself - in the words of Daft Punk - harder, better, faster, stronger, so that you grow exponentially sweeter with each new day. Then people at your funeral will have a reason to miss you. Or at least have something to talk about.
Unless you died doing something stupid.
Think about various children's materials you may have consumed at various stages in your boyhood or girldom. "Books? Those things are dumb," you've undoubtedly heard a cartoon character or actor say. Woe to ye unfortunate apes whose minds shut off after this ignorant phrase was uttered, causing you to miss the rest of the episode where the nerd grows up and, due to a superior intellect, lives until the end of days accumulating mad bling and fly honeys.
Yeah, that's right. Learning can bring you places.
Fact: Learning brought man to the moon.
Fact: Learning brought a monkey to the moon.
Fact: A monkey that took the time to learn has been to the moon, whereas you and I (most likely) have not.
Not many people think Einstein was anything but good. See? That sentence made you think because it was worded in a confusing manner. Don't get me wrong, of course you read it, but how long did it take you to understand it? Read it again. Feel the rust starting to come off?
Now more than ever before, the world demands that human beings think rather than blindly obey the beliefs of the masses. Why, you ask? Just beyond the horizon awaits the most terrible of foes with whom Homo sapiens have continued a constant struggle for all of eternity:
Stupidity.
Pick up a history book. Any period of history that seems to be going well eventually faces natural disasters that people deal with in a, well, stupid manner. For example, when the Black Death tightened its villainous clutch on the people of Europe, solutions such as attaching leeches to people, playing Ring around the Rosie and not sending all the sick off to a third-party nation became commonplace. One of the greatest emperors of China sought to attain immortality by regularly imbibing mercury. Columbus died believing he had arrived in India. Why would a queen ever sponsor some sailor who hadn't been to India in the first place? Never mind that Columbus didn't bring back pepper or silk or anything. The people were dark-skinned, so it had to be India.
Stupidity seems to be on the rise once again. Despite massive amounts of money being poured into public education, the American population continues to get dumber. People don't want to learn, yet they continue to pay taxes, a great deal of which go to education. You already paid for it, so why not use it? Your brain was free and is much, much cooler than school, so why not take that for a spin, even if it is just one weekend a month. As long as it's more than it was before, the world will be a better place.
Please, do us both a favor and constantly exert effort in an attempt to make yourself - in the words of Daft Punk - harder, better, faster, stronger, so that you grow exponentially sweeter with each new day. Then people at your funeral will have a reason to miss you. Or at least have something to talk about.
Unless you died doing something stupid.
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